The Release Project: Impatience

I am not a patient person. I have tried hard to be patient, but it’s a quality that I can never seem to grasp. For one, I want things immediately, more often than not. When I schedule something or pay for something (like student loans and such), I don’t want to wait the time for things to be taken away. I just want to rip the band-aid off.

As a teacher, I have worked greatly on my patience. I used to lose my temper really quickly with my classes, especially when they were not doing what I was asking–but working there I am now, patience is something that my students really value. Not because they tell me this, but their actions speak louder than words.

Teaching all boys is the messiest job I have ever had–literally and figuratively. They are noisy, they are big, they are 17-18 and easily revert back to 10 and 11 year olds. They yell at each other, they fight, they are inappropriate, but they are real. One of the things that I needed to adjust working here was my patience. With boys, you have to walk them through certain things, but you have to be careful not to order them around. Tell boys what to do works for the younger grades, but with my seniors–they have to believe that the choice they are making in their’s, not something that you are making them do.

They are feeling their oats right now, they are tapped in a weird place of adolescence and adulthood; they are trying to figure out what path is for them and how far they can go with certain things in their lives. Growing up with two brothers, I saw the bad side of being surrounded by guys. They are no-holds bars, they are in your face, and they will call you on your b.s. faster than you can get the sentence out of your mouth.

But, working here, I have seen the finer side of young men. They are compassionate, they are caring, they are sympathetic, and they try their hardest to help–but sometimes their motives are mistaken as something more than they are. But, in order to see this, you have to let them be themselves. You have to let them become who they want to be, and you can’t push them in certain direction.

In my personal life, I have a problem with patience with relationships. Romantic and platonic. I have a problem with being patient with making decisions, waiting to tell people certain things, and just wanting something to go in a direction that another person might not want to go in.

In romantic relationships, I might be the least patient person in the world–and also the most indecisive. I once when on a date with a guy that was fully ready to commit to a relationship (which was something that I thought that I wanted), but then go totally freaked out when it came right down to it. I wanted constant communication, I wanted a sense of belonging, but once I got that–I high tailed it out of there after a few weeks of talking.

The next guy that I dated was completely the opposite–totally aloof. He was nice, he was funny, and listened to me. He was shy, to an extent and I was annoyed that he wasn’t making more of an effort. I always had to make the decisions, I always had to pick where and when we met–and I wasn’t sure it that was he wanting to make sure that we were doing something that I wanted to do, or he was just wasn’t that into it. Or he was waiting for something more, which was something that was not going to happen in the immediate future.

So, I got out of there, too. Both of these relationships, looking back on it, I was glad to have. I dated a guy that was full force and I dated a guy drug his feet. I was impatient, and changed my mind constantly and doubted how I was feeling. I wasn’t sure what was right for me at the time, but I think that these experiences made me value what I am looking for in a partner.

I want to be with someone that is going to value and cherish me for who I am; not someone they want me to be later. I want to be with someone that I am going to value and cherish for who they are, not for who I want them to be. Things like a good sense of humor, compassion, and kind disposition are nice things to look for in a man, but they might not manifest themselves until much later in the relationships. As much as we don’t think so, men shield themselves, too, when it comes to matters of the heart.

I never wanted to the time to get to know the person, I always wanted to fast forward to a place where we would be happy and in a relationship–the idea of getting to know and understand someone was something that I did not want to much effort into or something that I didn’t think that I needed to do. With the right person, all of these things will be come naturally, and I won’t have worry about doing or saying the right things because, not everything I say is going to be the right thing–and that’s okay.

Being with someone doesn’t mean that everything has to be perfect 100% of the time–the beauty of the relationships is having those bad and stressful moments, being able to be angry or annoyed with someone, but still be able to love them anyway. In these moments, relationships grow stronger and you grow together despite what is facing you. Thought of eventually getting to share that with someone makes me so happy and so hopeful for what is to come in my future; but for now I only have to be patient. 😉

 

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journeyofasoul

My name is Kaitlyn. I am a 11th and 12th grade English teacher, at an all boys schools. I enjoy drinking coffee, wine, doing yoga, and looking at pretty things. My Catholic faith inspires me to live a good, peaceful life. If I had all the money in the world, I would own a farm and rescue special needs animals and open my own yoga studio.

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